Many times when people ask about if we have any children or plan to, I many times find myself saying, "not yet" instead of being truthful and saying I don't intend to. The reason I chose to start responding that way began with other's responses. Bart and I have endured the following questions or statements before:
- Do you hate children?
- You have to - that is what you are supposed to do
- Children are blessings..... you can't miss out
- You'll change your mind one day
- Hope it isn't too late WHEN you do change your mind
- You aren't getting any younger, you should start now. You'll be thankful later.
- That is a selfish thing to say. Do you want to save your money?
I kid you not, these are the responses we are often left to deal with when people say such things. Let me set the record straight, we LOVE children and one of the greatest days for me was when I became an aunt. Some of our decision comes from the desire to find ourselves a place in social justice issues and to be able to move freely. I once heard someone say, "Some people are placed on the earth to raise their children, and others are placed on earth to raise those children who are without". I can't remember where I heard it, but I think that describes Bart and me best. We won't have our own children, but my hope is that in our future work and careers we will touch lives and become family among many differing people.
My purpose for this blog is not to guilt individuals to avoid this topic with us nor to claim myself to be a speaker on behalf of all childless people everywhere. It is purely to begin to help myself understand that I need not hide my childless journey anymore. It is time for me to be true to my goals and future by telling the truth from now on, regardless of what responses I receive from others. I am allowing others opinions and beliefs to dictate how I respond to such an easy question and allow that fear to dominate my interactions with people who genuinely just want to understand. Being known as different is not necessarily a bad thing, and sometime people just want to know why what you believe makes you so different?
Let me share some passages from Gilbert's book that have helped me reach the conclusion that I can speak the truth for my life with no shame and really begin to live my life to help others:
"But what if, either by choice or by reluctant necessity, you end up not participating in this comforting cycle of family and continuity? What if you step out? Where do you sit at the reunion? How do you mark time's passage without the fear that you've just frittered away your time on earth without being relevant? You'll need to find another purpose, another measure by which to judge whether or not you have been a successful human being. I love children, but what if I don't have any? What kind of person does that make me?"
"Not all reasons not to have children are the same, either, though. Nor are all those reasons necessarily selfish"
"It is better to live your own destiny imperfectly than to live an imitation of somebody else's life with perfection"
To all of you who are parents or will be parents, thank you for being the people you are. I agree with Oprah that it is the toughest job in the world. Most of all, to my friends and family, and to anyone who may read this - THANK YOU for allowing me the chance to finally tell the truth about who I really am and to finally let go of the misconception that childless=purposeless. I know I have a purpose to not be a mom and I cannot wait to find out what that journey is going to encompass.
